Better Health & Living
A Good Marriage Creates A Healthy Heart
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The recipe for a happier marriage and a healthier heart? Listen with empathy and resist the temptation to blame. A string of studies links good loving with better health. In the latest one, Brigham Young University researchers tracked 303 women and men and found that happily married spouses had lower blood pressure than unhappy mates. Meanwhile, a University of Utah study found that couples who are hostile or controlling have a 30 percent higher risk of severe hardening of the arteries.
How can you avoid this heartache? “Use empathy, acceptance, and genuineness when you communicate with your partner,” says Patty Howell, a Leucadia, California, marriage educator; author of World Class Marriage
How can I be assertive when discussing problems with my wife without hurting her feelings?
If you need to confront your spouse about a problem, avoid starting out with criticism, blame, or sarcasm. Research shows that when discussions between spouses start this way on a regular basis, it’s a key predictor of divorce. Instead, talk about what your spouse did or said that has upset you, how it has affected you, and what your own emotions about it are. You’re being genuine and not making your spouse feel like a bad human being. You’ve just increased the likelihood that the two of you can solve the problem without fighting.
What can I do if I’ve tried all the communication techniques in self-help books, but my spouse just won’t cooperate?
Real communication isn’t a script. Our spouses are sensitive human beings made of blood and skin and souls and hearts and minds. Empathetic listening and acceptance are the most powerful things you can do to encourage good communication.
Empathy involves listening long enough and hard enough so that you can reflect back to your partner what he or she is really saying, on an emotional level. It’s giving your spouse your undivided attention without interrupting. Acceptance is vitally important, too. People thrive when their feelings are known and accepted, when they don’t feel that their responses to their lives are wrong or shameful or need to be hidden or fixed. In everyday terms, that means if your mate is completely upset with the boss, it’s not the time to say, “Gee, honey, maybe the boss had a point there. You shouldn’t be so upset.” And it’s not the time to jump in with a solution for the problem. That can come later if your spouse wants help figuring out what to do. It’s time to simply show that you understand why it’s so upsetting for your partner. This makes your spouse feel cared-for, understood, and safe.
My husband and I were so close when we got married, but now we fight a lot. How can we get back to the easy communication of our newlywed days?
The rose-colored glasses come off about 6 to 24 months into a marriage. All the hormones and brain chemicals that made early love so thrilling are dropping back to normal levels. Your illusions are fading. This is natural, but it can be a shock.
At this stage, most people should not give in to the temptation to write off their marriages or their spouses because things feel so different. It’s a fabulous time to start real relationship building. You see each other more objectively now, and inside your disagreements and feelings is important information about the factors you’ll both have to deal with in order to have a happy, successful marriage.
The first step you can take is to recognize that you are both flawed human beings and that every marriage has some friction in it. You haven’t failed, and your spouse hasn’t failed. You’re just human. The next step is really something you’ll do for a lifetime--learning how to talk about your own needs without blaming your spouse, learning how to listen with empathy, and really accepting your partner for who he or she is. The goal is to respect what each of you needs and work out ways to meet those needs.
By Susan Flagg Godbey and the Editors of Better Health & Living®
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