Better Health & Living
Are You a Helicopter Parent?
If you're too involved with your college-age kids, here’s why you need to stop hovering
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When I was in college, I rarely talked to my parents on the phone, and when I did, they called me after 11 p.m., when Ma Bell’s cheaper long-distance rates kicked in. They knew little about my classes, and the likelihood that they’d contact a professor to argue about a grade was about as great as that of my actually being in my dorm room when they called at night.
These days, my parents look downright negligent compared to “helicopter parents”—so named because they vigilantly hover over their children. Anecdotal horror stories abound: Parents call administrators to demand a new roommate, attend meetings with the academic advisor (sans the student), provide wake-up calls, or call the school pretending to be their child so they can reset passwords and access their child’s confidential information.
Beleaguered college officials are coping by establishing special communication programs, sending educators to seminars on how to manage clingy parents, and even hiring “parent bouncers” who keep parents and children separated during orientation.
“I started to see a trend about five or six years ago, and it’s grown exponentially since then,” observes Elizabeth Arrison, PhD, vice president for student affairs at Delaware Valley College, a small private school in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. “As far as I’m concerned, they’re ‘Velcro parents’—they really stick to their kids. Parents have called me on a cell phone during a disciplinary meeting with their child. I’ve even had students shove cell phones in my face while I’m walking around campus and say, ‘Here—my mom wants to talk to you.‘“
At campus job fairs, Arrison has watched in amazement as parents distributed their children’s resumes and answered recruiters’ questions—with the children mutely standing by.
“I’ve even heard of parents who negotiate their child’s salary with employers,” she says. “That blows my mind. That would be the kiss of death if I was doing the hiring.”
Factors Keeping You Stuck
What’s causing this turbulence? Societal observers posit that parents of millennials—children born between 1982 and 2002—have been told incessantly that kids will do better in school and in life if parents stay involved. They’re so used to managing their children’s tightly scheduled lives that they don’t know how to stop.
Easy access is another key factor. “With e-mail, text messaging, and cell phones, connectivity between parents and children is probably higher than at any other time in our society,” points out Daphne Atkinson, vice president of industry relations for the Graduate Management Admission Council, an association of business schools in McLean, Virginia.
A study sponsored by College Parents of America, a nonprofit advocacy group (www.collegeparents.org), supports that contention. Nearly 31 percent of parents surveyed contact their student at least daily or more than once a day; almost 75 percent communicate at least two or three times a week—mostly by cell phone.
Paved with Good Intentions
Most educators agree that helicopter parents are well-meaning.
“Intellectually, I think parents know they don’t help by interfering, but there’s a part of them that wants to protect their children from any pain, disappointment, or failure,” observes Arrison. “But when you live vicariously through your children and don’t allow them to experience failure, you’re doing them a disservice.”
“Parents want to be helpful but don’t know how,” explains Nancy Sandhu, coordinator of the parent program at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “Our mission is to help them understand their role and show them how to teach their children to make good decisions.”
Like many other colleges, UW-Madison includes a session just for parents in its freshman orientation program. Information for parents is available online, and a twice-a-year newsletter also keeps them informed, Sandhu says.
Atkinson believes there’s no reason for parents to just drop their kids cold turkey when they go away to college. “But,” she adds, “children need to develop the skills to cope with what life throws at them. If you haven’t had a chance to practice, then there’s nothing there when you reach into your bag of skills.”
Looking back, my parents had the right philosophy: Less is more.
Regular contributor Ken Wysocky is a dad, but he would never think of doing anything like this.
QUIZ
To see if you're hovering, take the quiz at www.quintcareers.com. If you are, here's how to ease up:
- Before stepping in, ask your student what he can do to resolve a problem.
- Direct your child to campus resources (such as websites) for problem-solving information.
- Set boundaries and find a level of support you both feel comfortable with.
- Limit phone conversations to twice a week.
- Let your child make decisions on her own.
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