Better Health & Living

Issue: March 2008
Good Friends Equal Good Health
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Good Friends Equal Good Health

by Susan Flagg Godbey

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Friendship has a hidden health benefit. When scientists who run the landmark Framingham Heart Study investigated the social lives and health of 1,267 men, they found that those who were the loneliest had the highest levels of a compound in their blood linked to heart disease. “There’s more and more research to show that if we don’t have relationships, it’s a health risk,” says Mary Jo Kreitzer, RN, PhD, director of the Center for Spirituality & Healing at the University of Minnesota. “Some studies even suggest that being alone or isolated is as risky for your health as cigarette smoking or high blood pressure.”

Yet many Americans have fewer friends than ever before. One Duke University survey found that one in four people have no close companions. “Making and keeping friends is challenging,” Dr. Kreitzer says. “It doesn’t happen automatically or spontaneously; sometimes you have to work at it. But the results are worth it.” Here’s her advice for bolstering your friendship factor.

I barely have time for laundry, let alone a social life. What can I do?

Start with things you’re already doing. At work, instead of eating at your desk, have lunch with people you really enjoy. If you like to walk or exercise, invite a friend or neighbor along. Even taking a walk with a pet is great for companionship, and it’s a good way to meet people. If you belong to a church or other faith community, go to the coffee hour or volunteer for an activity where you’ll meet new people. Spending time with friends is one of the first things we let go of when life gets busy. I would urge you to make time—you owe it to yourself. And when you make plans with a friend, mark it on your calendar just like a doctor’s appointment or an important work meeting.

Is it really so bad to just want to be alone?

It’s a matter of balance. Spending time alone can be absolutely healthy; it’s a good way to feed your inner life. Having relationships with others stretches us, expands our horizons, and connects us to something that’s bigger and beyond just ourselves. It’s an essential part of being human, because we’re by nature social creatures. If you have no friends, you can be at risk for the health problems made worse by loneliness. Have your alone time, but schedule people time, too. Volunteering, joining an organization of people who share an interest or a hobby that you enjoy, or just spending a few minutes chatting with neighbors when you happen to see each other are good places to start.

It was so easy to make friends when I was a kid and then as a mom with younger children. How do we empty nesters get connected again?

Friendships don’t automatically happen for adults the way they can for kids. You have to be intentional about it. When my youngest child graduated from high school, I realized that I was losing a large part of my social network. I wouldn’t be seeing all the people I was regularly connected with during all of his growing-up years. I advise people whose children are still living at home to start building their own social networks before their children graduate, but the same steps will work if that’s already happened. Take the initiative by joining a cause you believe in or by involving yourself in social activities that reflect your own interests—like a book group at your library, a swimming class, a hiking club, or a political organization.

I love my friends, but I’d like to meet new people, too. I feel that by trying to make new friends, I’m betraying my old ones. Is it OK to want to expand my circle?

Absolutely. In fact, one of the hallmarks of a healthy, vital person is curiosity—a drive to grow and evolve. Being open to new people, new possibilities, and new experiences is a good thing. It doesn’t mean you’re leaving your old friends behind; you’re just adding more.

This could also be a chance to evaluate your current relationships. If a friendship is healthy, you should feel that you can be truly authentic and be accepted for who you are. It’s a good idea to set limits if you find you’re in a friendship that’s draining or seems one-sided. But don’t walk away from a good friendship because little things bother you. Nobody’s perfect. To be a good friend, you have to be accepting, too, and you do that by being nonjudgmental and open to the gifts others bring into our lives.

By Susan Flagg Godbey and the Editors of Better Health & Living®

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