Better Health & Living® - Article: Keeping Families Close

Home > family > caregiving > Keeping Families Close

Keeping Families Close

Caregiving can pull families apart. Here's how to keep yours together.

by Linda Rao

Published in family •caregiving | 0 Comments, Talk about this article »

Question: Caring for my 90-year-old mother, who lives with us, takes up so much of my time that I’m afraid it’s going to affect my relationship with my husband and kids. How can we cope with this?

“Yours is a common problem,” says Barry J. Jacobs, PsyD, director of behavioral sciences at Crozer-Keystone Family Practice Residency Program in Springfield, Pennsylvania, and author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers. “Intimacy holds families together and helps people thrive,” he says. Yet often, it takes a back seat to caring for an elderly family member, which can erode not only your family relationships, but also your primary source of support.

How Caregiving Threatens Intimacy

Sometimes, caregivers and their families offer love and devotion to the care recipient, who returns those feelings with love and gratitude. But not all caregiving experiences are life-affirming, Dr. Jacobs says. “Caring for others requires a tremendous amount of work and energy. Caregivers get worn down and burned out, no matter how hard they try to avoid it. Over time, they begin to resent not only the care recipient but also the caring itself.”

For many people, the resentment leads to shame. To assuage these feelings, caregivers may become task oriented. “They don’t talk about their shameful feelings; they swallow them,” says Dr. Jacobs, “and when there’s no talking, there’s no intimacy.”

Warning Signs

When family members feel resentful or put-upon, they may behave in uncharacteristic ways. Dr. Jacobs suggests you watch for these signs in your family.

No one talks. “Usually when people get home from work or school, they shoot the breeze about everyday things, everyday complaints,” Dr. Jacobs says. “When intimacy is threatened, family members stop sharing those details because mundane aggravations seem trivial if there’s someone needier in the next room.”

The fun stops. “Sometimes, people think if they’re enjoying themselves, it violates the seriousness of caregiving, even though having fun as a family would probably be the most replenishing thing they could do,” he explains.

The fighting starts. When resentment builds, those feelings inevitably boil over. We end up taking out our frustrations on the people we love most.

Couples stop having sex. Sex demands a certain level of emotional intimacy. When family intimacy disappears, the intimacy between couples often goes, too.

Your kids behave differently. Bright, capable students may start getting poor—or even failing—grades at school. Younger children may start wetting the bed.

No one’s home. Spouses may work late, or kids may spend all their time at the mall or a friend’s house—anything to escape the dark, humorless atmosphere at home.

Start Off on the Right Foot

To maintain the intimacy in your family, Dr. Jacobs says it’s best to deal with these issues as soon as possible—or better yet, ahead of time, before the ill person needs care.

Talk it out. Discuss how caregiving will affect your life and the way your family functions, he says. Talk about which family members will do certain tasks: Who will mow the lawn or shovel snow? Who will help with the laundry? Who will help make dinner?

Hold quarterly meetings. Not everyone needs to be happy with the caregiving situation, but all family members should feel free to express negative feelings, he says. “Often, teenagers help most because they more readily express what everyone else feels. They may come right out and say they resent Grandma sitting in the living room watching TV all day or taking up all their mother’s time. It’s easier to maintain family intimacy when families openly proclaim their needs.”

Recognize that caregiving is ambivalent by nature. Very few people enjoy caregiving. It can be rewarding, but it’s generally hard on caregivers and their families. Expressing all feelings—positive and negative—helps maintain intimacy.

Get help early. If caregiving begins to threaten the closeness of your family, call a family counselor to talk, or seek respite care to get away for a bit.

Regular contributor Linda Rao writes for many national magazines.