Better Health & Living: Article: The Healing Power Of Forgiveness

Issue: October 2007

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The Healing Power Of Forgiveness

Researchers have linked the ability to let go of grudges

by Sarah Mahoney

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Jenna Druck was 21, traveling in India during a semester abroad, when she was killed in a bus accident. Her father, Ken, didn’t think he’d ever get over his anger—at God, at the universe, at anyone who hadn’t lost a child. “Supermarket clerks would say, ‘Have a nice day,’ and I’d say, ‘Yeah, it’s real nice—my daughter is dead!’ ” Druck recalls.

Some days were so unbearable that he would walk down to the Pacific Ocean, find a private spot where the waves would drown him out, and “rage against God for doing this. Sometimes I yelled until I lost my voice,” he says. “One day, after screaming, I envisioned a tear in God’s eye, and everything shifted—I realized Jenna’s death broke God’s heart, too. I realized this wasn’t an act of God. God—and the universe—is a force of good, not some puppeteer deciding who will be killed.”

That was 11 years ago. Within a year of his daughter’s death, Druck started the Jenna Druck Foundation in San Diego, which has provided bereavement counseling to thousands of families who have lost children, including those at the World Trade Center and Columbine High School. “There are days when I think of Jenna and still get so angry that it goes right to the core of me,” he says. “But there are also moments when I’m able to bless this piece of history in my life. Since then, I’ve seen amazing acts of forgiveness and watched how it can transform even those who are very bitter. I’ve watched parents drive up to prisons and say to the people who murdered their children, ‘I forgive you.’ ”

Awe-inspiring? Absolutely. But increasingly, researchers are finding that even smaller acts of forgiveness—resolving feuds with siblings or taking back a cheating spouse, for example—are not only important components of mental health but also have a big effect on physical health. “Forgiveness leads to a reduction in hostility, anxiety, and depression, all of which have profound health benefits, particularly in the reduction of heart disease,” says Michael Levenson, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Oregon State University. “If a person ruminates about an injustice—maybe even a very bad injustice—and it goes on for years, that creates chronic stress, which triggers harmful biological mechanisms. Learning to forgive will almost certainly prolong lives.”

Researchers at Hope College in Michigan, for example, asked 70 volunteers to replay hurtful memories and grudges in their minds. Almost immediately, participants registered increases in heart rate and blood pressure. When prompted to think forgiving thoughts, not only were their physiological responses much lower, but they felt more in control of their feelings. That control translates into another good reason to forgive: The ability to move on with your life and get more done—to lose your “baggage”—which has certainly been Ken Druck’s experience. “Forgiveness appears to free mental and/or emotional energy that helps people sustain good performance, even on tasks completely unrelated to the forgiveness situation,” report researchers from Florida State University who looked at what prevents people from being forgiving.

These benefits seem to come to anyone who learns to forgive, from bombing victims, Rwandan refugees, Holocaust survivors, and residents of war-torn Northern Ireland to laid-off managers and average college students.

Can Everyone Do It?

Just because forgiveness is good for us doesn’t mean we do it. One survey found that while 94 percent of Americans think it’s important to forgive others, only 48 percent say they usually try it themselves. And researchers are still struggling to find out why people like Druck are able to stop being mad at the world after terrible losses, while others among us are still clinging to minor resentments left over from the Reagan era.

Experts do know that there are personal styles of forgiveness. Researchers at Carleton University in Canada have found three distinct approaches. Some people tend to confront the one who hurt them and bring the issue out in the open, which often results in a direct apology. For these people, researchers found, forgiveness meant letting go of the negative feelings they had toward the transgressor. It was tough: The confronters were more likely to describe the process as fraught with tension and anxiety, followed by fatigue. But they found it worthwhile, and often the relationship with the transgressor became stronger than ever.

The second type pursued an entirely different approach, deliberately choosing not to discuss the issue. For them, the act of forgiveness was very private, a personal moral victory. “Forgiveness in this context was an affirmation—and for some a realization—that they have the strength to forgive,” researchers found. While this group was somewhat more likely to report tinges of dejection and depression, they were also able to resume a normal relationship with the transgressor.

A third type, while eager to resume a positive relationship, maintained constant, quiet vigilance, staying on guard lest the person hurt them again. And while this group reported lower levels of anxiety and depression than the other two, they were also more likely to report long-term deterioration in the relationship. Other researchers have dubbed this “faux forgiveness.”

Breakthroughs and Inspiration

Project Forgiveness, a British organization devoted to reconciliation, has collected dozens of inspiring stories of personal forgiveness. Victims of bombings, families of those killed by terrorists, and people jailed for crimes they didn’t commit contribute stories about what forgiveness has taught them, such as this one.

“At first I was adamant that I could never forgive Dr. Mengele,” writes Eva Kor, a twin who survived the medical experimentation of Josef Mengele at Auschwitz. “But then I realized I had the power now: the power to forgive. It was my right to use it. No one could take it away. Some survivors do not want to let go of the pain. Forgiveness is as personal as chemotherapy—I do it for myself.”

For more stories, check out www.theforgivenessproject.com

Sarah Mahoney writes for many national publications from her home in Maine.

FOUR Healing Steps

Whether it stems from a terrible loss like the death of a loved one from cancer or a minor slight like the crack your sister made about your weight, most people have struggled with anger or resentment that just won’t go away. To get rid of it, Robert D. Enright, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin at Madison and a pioneer in forgiveness research, lays out some ground rules in his book Forgiveness Is a Choice.

Uncover your anger. Has your anger affected your health? Are you obsessed with the injury or the offender? Do you compare your situation with that of the offender? Has the injury changed your life or your worldview?
Decide to forgive. Admit that what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked and be willing to begin the process.
Work on it. To achieve understanding and compassion, first acknowledge your pain. Perform an act of kindness toward the offender to honor your decision.
Discover your new freedom. In understanding your own need for forgiveness, you’ll find you’re not alone. Once you let go of negative feelings, you may find you have more time and energy for other, more positive things.