Better Health & Living
The Reluctant Caregiver
You may not have chosen your circumstances, but you can make the best of them
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Question: Despite the fact that my mother and I haven’t gotten along for 25 years, I’m now her primary caregiver. Our uncomfortable relationship makes the day-to-day struggles even harder. Any suggestions?
Answer: “You’re in a difficult, yet all-too-common, situation,” says Fumi Ogunleye-Hancock, RN, PhD, spokesperson for the National Family Caregivers Association. “Not everyone chooses to caregive out of feelings of love or respect.” Sometimes those duties are thrust upon us, making us feel resentful and trapped. “No one benefits from negative feelings, which can come from either person,” she says.
Resentful Caregivers
“Many people don’t want caregiving to disrupt their families and routines, so they hesitate to take on the responsibility,” says Dr. Ogunleye-Hancock. Some caregivers, on the other hand, may feel put upon because they’re surrounded by other family members who could also do the job but choose not to. “Caregivers may wonder why they must sacrifice time and energy instead of siblings or other relatives,” she says. And sometimes, even after many years, caregivers and recipients still harbor resentment from long-ago conflicts. “It’s hard to care for someone you dislike or who treated you badly years ago.”
Many caregivers assume their duties willingly but reconsider if their loved ones’ violent or difficult behavior becomes a problem. “Most care recipients don’t intentionally cause problems,” says Dr. Ogunleye-Hancock, “but a bad prognosis or loss of independence can cause them to lash out. They’ve never wanted to be a burden, yet, in their minds, they have become just that.”
Difficult behavior can also be disease related. A normally polite man with Alzheimer’s, for example, can suddenly start cursing or become violent. “Of course, some caregivers and recipients just never got along to start with,” Dr. Ogunleye-Hancock says, “and when you must rely on your adversary to meet your needs, you can’t help but feel angry.”
9 Steps Toward Greater Peace
Although caregiving can be difficult in these circumstances, you can take steps to help both of you feel better. Here’s what Dr. Ogunleye-Hancock suggests.
Find support—for each of you. You and your loved one need outlets for pent-up feelings. Attend appropriate support groups, start therapy, or call friends or a hotline to let feelings out.
Live your own life. It’s hard to find time, but you need to do something that makes you happy. Read books you enjoy, take walks, visit with friends, play the piano—do whatever makes you feel good. Hold on to those parts of your life that buoy your spirit and activities that separate your role as a caregiver from your life as a person with your own needs.
Offer independence. Because losing control has such an impact, offer your loved one whatever control you can, such as deciding which doctor to see in a group practice.
Talk to your loved one. If possible, explain that you realize the situation is hard on both of you. Encourage the person you’re caring for to share their feelings, too.
Forget your history. Try not to let your past relationship dictate your responses today. Concentrate on the day-to-day aspects of caregiving, not the personality you’re dealing with.
Learn what you can about your loved one’s illness. Some behaviors, though hard to bear, are due to the illness or the nature of being cared for.
Consider a psychological evaluation. Depression may make your loved one difficult to deal with, so talk to the doctor about a referral for a psychological evaluation. Antidepressants and other medications can ease behavior problems.
Get help. Over time, caregivers tend to micromanage every aspect of their loved ones’ care until they feel that they’re the only people who can help. Relinquish that control early and let other people lend a hand. If you can no longer handle the responsibility, tell other family members that they need to consider other options.
Talk to a professional. Geriatric care managers, professionals trained to mediate family arguments and help find other options, can help relieve you of some of the burden of caregiving. Ask your doctor, local hospital, or Area Agency on Aging for a referral.
Regular contributor Linda Rao has written about health, fitness, and caregiving for many national magazines.
Resources And Advice
National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers
1604 North Country Club Road
Tucson, AZ 85716-3102
www.caremanager.org
National Family Caregivers Association
10400 Connecticut Avenue, Suite 500
Kensington, MD 20895-3944
800-896-3650
www.thefamilycaregiver.org
U.S. Administration on Aging
Washington, DC 20201
800-677-1116 202-619-0724
www.eldercare.gov
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